Recognizing death is life-affirming
Life and death are co-defined: everything that lives will die, and things that are dead were once alive. A lineage of existential thinkers—Otto Rank, Ernest Becker, Rollo May, Irvin Yalom—have explored how our attempts to escape death unconsciously drive our actions. The thought of our own death, the concept of not-being, can be so intolerable that it shapes how we engage with the world.
At the same time, when people face death directly, there can be a profound drive toward meaning-making and connection, even while feeling alone. When we react unconsciously to our fear of death, we often make decisions that alleviate anxiety in the short term but are not aligned with our highest values.
Death anxiety frequently surfaces during boundary experiences—defining moments when we move into a new stage of life with no return: graduations, having children, children leaving home, a new illness, or the death of a loved one. These transitions often trigger a crisis, leaving us wondering, bargaining, or wishing to return to an earlier stage, uncertain how we could possibly move forward. This can lead to ultimately futile attempts to stay young or reverse aging, increased substance use to quiet the mind, preoccupation with past decisions, or blaming others for our circumstances.
When we become conscious of death, however unwilling we are to engage with it, we can feel paralyzed. Making a choice means excluding other options. As Irvin Yalom concisely states, "Alternatives exclude." Some people rail against this reality, refusing to make decisions in the hope that if they don't engage in life, time will stop. But not acting is itself a decision, and time moves inexorably forward.
Many intuitively believe that acknowledging death makes it more real—that if they allow themselves to say it aloud, “death,” that will bring it about. Yet, recognizing the reality of death can powerfully make us feel most alive. Knowing our time is limited focuses attention on how we spend it: What parts of our lives are most meaningful? How can we align our spheres of concern with our spheres of influence? Like the Serenity Prayer suggests—accepting what we cannot change, finding courage to change what we can, and cultivating wisdom to know the difference—acknowledging death can help us lean toward living. We care for our bodies, engage more fully in relationships with ourselves, our loved ones, and our environment. Death becomes an ever-constant reminder of the joy of living.
In therapy, this is often where the most meaningful work begins—not in fleeing from mortality, but in letting it teach us what we most want to protect, nurture, and pursue while we still can.