Finding Meaning Through Connection: An Existential Perspective on What Makes Life Feel Purposeful
One of the most profound insights from existential psychotherapy is also one of the most unsettling: life has no inherent meaning. The psychiatrist and writer Irvin Yalom spent decades exploring this truth with his patients, not as a source of despair, but as an invitation to freedom. If meaning isn't handed to us, then we have the profound responsibility—and privilege—of creating it ourselves.
But here's the paradox Yalom observed: meaning cannot be pursued directly. The harder we chase it, the more it seems to slip away. Instead, meaning arrives obliquely, as a byproduct of how we engage with life. It emerges when we're deeply connected—to other people, to nature, to ourselves, to work that matters to us. It's in these moments of genuine connection that people report feeling most grounded, most alive, most certain that their life has purpose.
Yet connection alone isn't enough. There's another crucial ingredient: agency. We need to experience ourselves as choosing our lives, not merely being carried along by circumstances.
This is where something remarkable happens in therapy. Two people can be in seemingly identical situations—say, working in demanding jobs that pay well but don't align with their deeper values—and have completely different emotional experiences. One person feels trapped, resentful, slowly suffocating under the weight of obligations. The other, while perhaps not thrilled with every aspect of their work, feels fundamentally okay. What's the difference?
Often, it comes down to choice. The second person has actively chosen to stay in that job, perhaps because they value the financial security it provides for their family, or because it allows them to pursue meaningful hobbies and relationships outside of work. They've made peace with the trade-offs. The difficulty hasn't disappeared, but the experience of choosing that difficulty—rather than feeling stuck in it—changes everything.
This distinction matters profoundly for our mental health. When we feel we have no choice, even objectively easier circumstances can feel oppressive. When we recognize our agency, even difficult paths can feel purposeful. The act of choosing transforms obligation into commitment, burden into responsibility we've willingly shouldered.
So how do we cultivate meaning in our lives? Not by grasping for it directly, but by:
In my work with patients, I've witnessed countless times how these elements combine to transform someone's experience of their life. The circumstances don't always change dramatically, but the felt sense of meaning, purpose, and groundedness can shift profoundly.
The existential truth that life has no inherent meaning need not be a source of despair. Instead, it can be liberating. We are not searching for a meaning that's hidden somewhere, waiting to be discovered. We are creating meaning through the connections we form and the choices we make, moment by moment.
And perhaps that's exactly as it should be. A life of meaning isn't something we find—it's something we build, choice by choice, connection by connection.
If you're struggling to find meaning or connection in your life, or if you feel stuck rather than choosing the path you're on, therapy can provide a space to explore these questions. Please reach out if you'd like to talk.