Asking questions instead of making statements is a powerful communication shift that can reduce conflict.
Many couples come to therapy feeling stuck in the same argument over and over. One partner brings up a concern, the other gets defensive, and the conversation either escalates or shuts down. Over time, both people can feel criticized, misunderstood, or alone — even when they care deeply about each other.
Often, the problem isn’t the issue itself. It’s how partners are talking about it.
One of the most powerful changes you can make is to ask instead of tell.
For example, telling sounds like:
Even when these concerns are valid, they can land as criticism — which naturally triggers defensiveness.
Asking sounds different:
This small shift changes the emotional tone from confrontation to collaboration.
Decades of relationship research, including work by John Gottman, shows that conversations go better when partners start gently and collaboratively rather than with criticism. Similarly, Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), developed by Sue Johnson, demonstrates that partners respond most positively when communication includes vulnerability and clear needs rather than blame.
When you ask instead of tell, you:
Share your feeling + Express your need + Make a clear ask
“I’ve been feeling overwhelmed lately. Could we come up with a plan together?”
This approach isn’t about being passive — it’s about being effective.
If you and your partner feel caught in negative cycles, therapy provides a structured space to slow things down, understand each other more deeply, and learn practical tools that actually work in real life.
Many couples are surprised how quickly communication improves once they shift from telling to asking.
You don’t have to keep having the same fight.
Transparency statement: This post was created with the help of Chat-GPT5, and edited by Roberta Goldman. The ideas here come from research-based couples therapy approaches.